I figured out, through youtube videos that i haver abandonment issues. My father dying when i was seven is the driver of this. Looking at the past couple months, i can see clear evidence of it.
If it resonates with you, it's probably striking a genuine chord, at some level. But I have to know, did you go looking for this, or did YouTube diagnose you out of its algorithm and start offering them to you on its own. Because if so... SHUDDER.
It does resonate with me. I've seen checklist type things showing that i might have this issue before. But i never equated abandonment with a parent passing away.
I'm tough, I went through a lot when my father died. After the funeral;NOTHING WAS TALKED ABOUT. NOTHING. I literally built a fake cemetery in the field next to our house; i guess trying to process. I have had chronic depression as long as i can remember. But i cover it up, most people know or maybe don't care. Now someone who i spent years with in whatever the relationship was; but made me want to get out of bed and go to work, has mostly gone out of my life. Nearly three months later i don't feel like i have heartburn but i haven't slept anywhere near eight hours. I'm not looking for problems on youtube; i already have them.
No, thank-you for elaborating. I think losing a parent at a young age is often the root of that kind of perspective on life. And there can be anger as well as grief. It must have been terrible, trying to make some kind of sense out of it, on your own. Building a graveyard is an incredibly creative way to address it.
Do you ever write about your past, other than occasional journal entries?
My question about YouTube actually had more to do with YouTube itself; I've had the experience, more often recently, of YouTube presenting something to me that I KNOW I never went after on the internet in any way. Maybe something I mentioned in a phone call--I'm trying to remember what the last one was, it really freaked me out. And something specific-- not something you'd think would come out of the algorithm.
last/1st. Yes, things have popped up. I started searching for some things about depression and more psychological themes appear. Yes, it's sinister but it was also helpful. Playing devil's advocate, is it much different than when you had bookstores and you went to the self help section; oh look, there's a book on this too and maybe, that applies to me too?
The day my son flew back from Arizona, well, let me explain that we live close to the airport and i was at work when they landed. He called as planned, and i told him to let me know when they have their luggage and i'd be there in ten minutes. So, i sat and waited, looked at facebook on my phone, and first time ever, there's an advertisement for our airport.
I had no idea, it was 20 years later i said to myself OMG, you built a graveyard to cope!
Yes it's different! You're looking around at what you want and it's between you and yourself and maybe one over-observant clerk, not a giant immortal machine harvesting your data and building a dossier on you!
That's what I mean--not the connections Google makes from what you've already looked at--I admit I could never find all those things myself--but the things that appear out of nowhere from some totally other unconnected sphere of your life. That's just creepy.
Did you ever see the film "Kedi"? I think you would really like it. It's available on Kanopy now if you have access through your library or something. This is totally unconnected to your situation, but in that film (it's about street cats in Istanbul) a guy reminisces about how he and his brother as kids built a graveyard for cats kind of inspired by old Western movies, marking all the graves with little crosses, and when their father found it he freaked out and sent them to Islamic school.
You should write a memoir; you have an interesting life.
The film does sound interesting; i will check our library.
I get self conscious writing and pretty soon keep using phrases like "and furthermore" but i'll put some thought into it. Would you say, write a narrative but not interpretation?
My mother kept telling me to write things down. She'd say, "you think, what do i write, it's just boring day to day, but how will people know?"
She's so right! I'd start with a straightforward narrative, but if something really important occurs to you as interpretation, along the way, note it down?
I've been typing my mother's and father's memories, and also gotten access to some interviews with my grandmother and great-uncle. I wish I'd asked my parents so much more! and my grandmother too. Not that I wasn't interested, but I should have made even more of an effort. Did your mom write anything herself?
Kanopy is a streaming service. https://cuyahogalibrary.org/read-watch-listen/digital-library/movies-tv I annoyed myself by going to our library IN PERSON and "renewing" my stupid card that I've had since I was five years old so I could get Kanopy and watch this Persian movie I'd been wanting to see for years, and which has won millions of awards. And it was dumb and irritating! But they do have "Symphony of the Soil"-- you'd love that!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
I'm tough, I went through a lot when my father died. After the funeral;NOTHING WAS TALKED ABOUT. NOTHING. I literally built a fake cemetery in the field next to our house; i guess trying to process. I have had chronic depression as long as i can remember. But i cover it up, most people know or maybe don't care.
Now someone who i spent years with in whatever the relationship was; but made me want to get out of bed and go to work, has mostly gone out of my life. Nearly three months later i don't feel like i have heartburn but i haven't slept anywhere near eight hours.
I'm not looking for problems on youtube; i already have them.
I'm not yelling at you.
From:
no subject
Do you ever write about your past, other than occasional journal entries?
My question about YouTube actually had more to do with YouTube itself; I've had the experience, more often recently, of YouTube presenting something to me that I KNOW I never went after on the internet in any way. Maybe something I mentioned in a phone call--I'm trying to remember what the last one was, it really freaked me out. And something specific-- not something you'd think would come out of the algorithm.
From:
no subject
The day my son flew back from Arizona, well, let me explain that we live close to the airport and i was at work when they landed. He called as planned, and i told him to let me know when they have their luggage and i'd be there in ten minutes. So, i sat and waited, looked at facebook on my phone, and first time ever, there's an advertisement for our airport.
I had no idea, it was 20 years later i said to myself OMG, you built a graveyard to cope!
No, i don't think i have written about it.
From:
no subject
That's what I mean--not the connections Google makes from what you've already looked at--I admit I could never find all those things myself--but the things that appear out of nowhere from some totally other unconnected sphere of your life. That's just creepy.
Did you ever see the film "Kedi"? I think you would really like it. It's available on Kanopy now if you have access through your library or something. This is totally unconnected to your situation, but in that film (it's about street cats in Istanbul) a guy reminisces about how he and his brother as kids built a graveyard for cats kind of inspired by old Western movies, marking all the graves with little crosses, and when their father found it he freaked out and sent them to Islamic school.
You should write a memoir; you have an interesting life.
From:
no subject
I get self conscious writing and pretty soon keep using phrases like "and furthermore" but i'll put some thought into it.
Would you say, write a narrative but not interpretation?
My mother kept telling me to write things down. She'd say, "you think, what do i write, it's just boring day to day, but how will people know?"
From:
no subject
I've been typing my mother's and father's memories, and also gotten access to some interviews with my grandmother and great-uncle. I wish I'd asked my parents so much more! and my grandmother too. Not that I wasn't interested, but I should have made even more of an effort. Did your mom write anything herself?
Kanopy is a streaming service. https://cuyahogalibrary.org/read-watch-listen/digital-library/movies-tv I annoyed myself by going to our library IN PERSON and "renewing" my stupid card that I've had since I was five years old so I could get Kanopy and watch this Persian movie I'd been wanting to see for years, and which has won millions of awards. And it was dumb and irritating! But they do have "Symphony of the Soil"-- you'd love that!
From:
no subject
Thank you, i'll check into it all.