How am i

[joebanks]

My answer is more about how everything is around me.

My daughter is teaching in her new school and really feels at home there, the way she hasn't since she moved to Delaware. This is a private school outside Columbus and it is lightyears more open minded than where she was. Delaware fancies itself as a liberal exurb, but open minded in rural Ohio is not what it is in N.E. Ohio. There was a school she interviewed at last year that she was asked "What kind of pupils did you teach in Cleveland? Where were they from; the sum of it was that my very white daughter was tainted because of who she had taught before. Anyway things seem to be good, but we don't know for sure. She is not in therapy and I have warned her that bad days and disappointments will come and if she isn't in something AA? She won't be ready for it.

My son and his fiancée seem to be doing good. So, not much to say there.

My therapist moved across town, so now i have to drive more than three minutes i was doing. I think she feels my social anxiety is at the root of my problems and wants to work on this..this could get difficult.

Kathleen and I went for a walk in the park a couple weeks ago. Then she worked with me a couple hours and i brought in a loaf of bread for her.
Later in the week she told me she made a sandwich for Bob, with my bread and i was devested. At best, it's silly, but it felt like a slap in the face; I haven't communicated with her since.

The marriage seems one step forward, one step back.

I feel like i just react to everything, but maybe that's what we all do.

Comments

[rafqa]

Glad to hear your daughter is in a place that feels safer and more right for her; I hope it contributes to her stability and sense of control. I know it's not fixed, and teaching is such a demanding job which puts so much of you into a kind of interpersonal maelstrom. I'm hoping for her every day that she finds her way, with whatever support she needs. Is she afraid something like AA will compromise her employability?

It does sometimes seem to me that AA itself is an addiction. But I know it is very life-changing for many people.

Still working on the house? An endless job?

Does the therapy go on indefinitely?

Kathleen *sigh* she seems to be playing more than one hand, although I guess I don't really know enough to get a sense of how she thinks of you. It's not silly, not at all.

I sent an email a few weeks ago--you don't have to answer them! just wanted to make sure you got it. I've sent a couple in the (longer) past that I didn't get a response to, and I think maybe that was because I was using an outdated address.


How everything is around you and how you respond to it... huh, I guess that pretty much sums up life.

[joebanks]

She thrives on difficult but not hostile students; she usually picks the most troubled and makes him/her her favorite.
I think afraid of walking in the door. It's a better addiction then the former.

They've taken a break, downstairs is more or less complete.

I'm taking as much as i can; my insurance kicked in too full coverage earlier this year and will stay that way until the end of the calendar year. I get to talk about myself and have a 100% attentive listener. She is really brilliant.

Maybe, maybe...

I will send you an email; I know I've received emails from you. I thought I sent you back; i'm reading the last one Aug. 19? and i can see i read it. I'm sorry, i didn't reply,sorry.

[rafqa]

No, no you don't need to reply! You already replied here. I was just kind of checking. You have plenty going on. Thank-you for the update.

I love your kids' pursuits/vocations. I wish we could restore and remodel the whole country and teach everyone with that kind of dedication and insight.

I'd be scared to walk in the door too. You kind of have to accept an identity, I think, that may be freeing for some, but not yet tolerable for others.

Well, hell, insurance actually paying for something? YES. Glad to hear she's so good.

[joebanks]

Honestly, he learns stuff from youtube, i do to for that matter. There is information on how to do just about anything on the tube. Usually very accurate too.

That's exactly it. You have to admit it to yourself.

The therapist (Mercedes) asked the same question about Kathleen. I stand by it's not in her to play games like that, at least not consciously. For all she's seen of life, she can still be quite naive and innocent. I don't think she ever grasped what my feelings were for her.
That said Mercedes said to me that the Universe is telling me, with dagger, that I don't belong in the picture anymore. And, she's correct.

[rafqa]

I believe you when you say she doesn't play games. But I've wondered if she's sometimes trying to get you to show what you do feel for her, so it will be clearer. Not a game, but an... opening? a prod?

YouTube is fantastic. My sister's husband uses it all the time. I don't know how you sort the reliable from the less reliable, though you can often get a pretty good sense.

I know I looked at it for drain cleaning and some were helpful, and some were like--oh look, I pulled out the hair that was just sitting here in the sink.

[joebanks]

I told her in no uncertain terms before she left. I don't know and can't help if she couldn't digest it.
Mercedes said we were both married people and Kathleen with her religious background would never break up a marriage. She said that actually, I was the unavailable one.

Interestingly, Kathleen worked a couple hours Monday, so she can stay on as a hired person and Bob shows up; he should have been at home 30 miles away. I wonder if that's why Kathleen doesn't drop connection with me because, it was either romantic or a little sketchy that he showed up hours after he should have been home.
I'm trying to distance myself, i need to.

Yes, you can tell if an instructional video is full of it or not.

[rafqa]

Yeah, I figured the being married part was the dealbreaker. I didn't realize she was still married too.

I'm sorry it all ended up so tangled and unclear.

[joebanks]

No, she is divorced but i wasn't single, still am not.

In a lot of ways i've moved on to focus on how i got myself here.

[rafqa]

Yes I meant you, I know you are married of course.