![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So a few weeks ago #1son tells us about a young woman he works with, who is living with her boyfriend who abuses her. She's been with him three years because her parents split up and abandoned her (she's 20). #1son is developing a relationship with her and asks if she could move in with us so she is safe. Answer is "NO". The two of them start spending more time together and i comment to #1wife that the boyfriend is going to throw her out and we'll end up with her. Almost. Last Monday morning she breaks up with the boyfriend - who lives with his parents and he starts beating her up. 2:00 AM and 1#son heads over to rescue the girl; he does like to rescue people. Now a week later, she's sleeping in #1son's room while he sleeps in #1daughter's room - who stays at her boyfriend's but that's another story.. #1son is the honorable sort and will not "take advantage" of the situation because the girl is a basket case because of what she's been through. Have we been manipulated?
Maybe. First she was to move in with a girlfriend but that fell through, now there is another scheme to have her move in with another couple who are engaged, why do so many of them want to get married at 20 these days? I'm not sure where she'll end up, i can't throw her out on the street.
I wrote most of this yesterday but in the meantime #1daughter stopped off at work last night after 11:00 because she had something to tell me. She tells she's been dealing with food disorders since she was 11 or 12 and she's had it. She's going to seek treatment. Now i feel like, i am the worst parent ever because at times i thought she was obsessive about diet and exercise, i never had disorder and 11? I'm not that worried because i think she can do anything. What pains me is all those years dealing with it alone.
But i'm in shock.
And we both agree we can't tell her mother because, here is what i haven't talked about for the past year.
Last year #1wife finally persuaded her ailing parents to give up their house two hours away and move to the area. She and i packed and moved then cleaned and threw away and cleaned and threw away and then painted their old house. It was an ordeal because their were issues like "We have to take the margarine tub and the can full of rusty screws.'
We have them here by January 2018. Then after he sees big city doctors, it turns out my father in law has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and then he's in hospice and then by March he's gone. Two months later my mother-in-law loses her leg to just below the knee to diabetes. She's in and out of nursing homes, #1 uses all her vacation time then takes FLMA and by November my mother-in-law has lost two toes on the remaining foot but that still hasn't healed and she's going to lose her other leg this week. So no, not telling her about our daughter's eating disorder.
But, i'm in shock
Maybe. First she was to move in with a girlfriend but that fell through, now there is another scheme to have her move in with another couple who are engaged, why do so many of them want to get married at 20 these days? I'm not sure where she'll end up, i can't throw her out on the street.
I wrote most of this yesterday but in the meantime #1daughter stopped off at work last night after 11:00 because she had something to tell me. She tells she's been dealing with food disorders since she was 11 or 12 and she's had it. She's going to seek treatment. Now i feel like, i am the worst parent ever because at times i thought she was obsessive about diet and exercise, i never had disorder and 11? I'm not that worried because i think she can do anything. What pains me is all those years dealing with it alone.
But i'm in shock.
And we both agree we can't tell her mother because, here is what i haven't talked about for the past year.
Last year #1wife finally persuaded her ailing parents to give up their house two hours away and move to the area. She and i packed and moved then cleaned and threw away and cleaned and threw away and then painted their old house. It was an ordeal because their were issues like "We have to take the margarine tub and the can full of rusty screws.'
We have them here by January 2018. Then after he sees big city doctors, it turns out my father in law has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and then he's in hospice and then by March he's gone. Two months later my mother-in-law loses her leg to just below the knee to diabetes. She's in and out of nursing homes, #1 uses all her vacation time then takes FLMA and by November my mother-in-law has lost two toes on the remaining foot but that still hasn't healed and she's going to lose her other leg this week. So no, not telling her about our daughter's eating disorder.
But, i'm in shock
From:
no subject
Your daughter sounds very level-headed. When you say food disorders, what exactly are you talking about? Disorder is a very broad term, and it's a real judgment call whether something is out of alignment enough to need an intervention. And these labels and assessments have changed over the last 20 years as well. If you had tried to intervene earlier, or even interfered, who's to say you wouldn't have created a situation of resistance and even more secrecy, if she wasn't ready for it. There's no way you're an inattentive parent. Now she's had enough and would like to address it, and she had no problem confiding in you straight off. I can't imagine anything that sounds more healthy and supportive.
My best friend has been like this since her teens-- obsessive about thinness and exercise; she worked in an environment which drove it, too. Stress fractures, etc. But I don't think twenty years ago anyone went so far as calling this a disorder, because she was healthy, highly functional (to put it mildly) and stable. Now they might, and probably to no-one's benefit. So I don't know exactly what your daughter is dealing with, but I don't think you should be shaken up by words like disorder, but just look at her competence as a whole person, which, come to think of it, is exactly what you said.
I hope your lodger can find a good safe place. That's not your house. What a desperate position for a young girl, and how great your kindness.
From:
no subject
She's been trying to keep the weight off in various ways over the years. She didn't want to go into details, it was difficult enough for her to tell me about it but, i think she's done a little bit of everything over the years and she's disgusted with it all.
Thanks again.
My mother-in-law did lose her leg below the knee yesterday. At least, the very least, she won't have to worry about what could happen next; it's done.